Honesty

Nothing annoys me more than 'I don't want to say something I can't take back'.

Let's think a minute, shall we? Clearly you DO want to say something, else you wouldn't have mentioned it, and that sentence alone is designed to wind someone up.

So, if you want to say something, say it. The comment is clearly not going to be nice, so hell, rip the band-aid off and get on with it, instead of alluding. I hate alluding.

To then be told that it wasn't meant that way seems to be back tracking somewhat. If it's not aimed at me, then you don't need to walk away from me for fear of saying something you can't take back. To  say that and then tell me it's hurtful to think I thought to question you over it, is in itself, utter bobbins.

Say it, don't say it, but don't pussyfoot around and make out it was anything other than what it was, because in the grand scheme of things, apparently being honest and supporting someone, is clearly the wrong thing. Who knew.

Drug-free (well of sorts)

Off the AD's :) The Dr says I'm looking well. I actually feel more myself than I have done in ages.

Didn't sleep great last night - was on my own with the boy, and heard bins moving at 1am. Stayed awake for a while, and very very nervous, but that always happens when he's away.

Was shattered this morning, but it was good as I was tired for a reason, and not tired due to drugs or anything :)

Good day with the boy, and he's back tonight. Roll on the weekend :D

AD's

As of a few days ago, I've been considering my use of AD's.

There is a lot going on atm, way to much to go into atm, but I went onto AD's to give myself time to stop. And think. So Mitrazipine it was. 15mg, then 30mg.

I've done AD's before (Prozac derivatives, cipramil, citraline, sera-something. I lose track of the ones I've been through) due to a background of abuse and multiple MC's, but this doesn't feel right. The stress is out of my control and is work-related. However that's not really all of it.

I comfort ate for a while, and put on all the weight I had successfully lost a few yrs back. I hate being fat. So, so much. I hate it. It brings me down like nothing else. So I started my diet again over 5wks ago, and have been eating so very carefully, yet I'm stacking on the weight and it's making me so miserable. My clothes are tight and uncomfortable, and I just feel so bloated.

So that's it. My problems are something I am going to fight, and I don't want anything numbed or shut-off any more. I am going to get through it by myself. I am going to feel it all, and I am going to adapt and change. Not just that, I know by coming off, my weight-loss will be given a fighting chance, and by losing the weight my confidence returns, and I feel I have achieved something.

I went down a dose last night. No side effects so far. I actually found the only time I missed a dose accidentally, I had to go through the twitches and side effects you get when you start. I am going for nothing tonight, and will see what the night brings.

When they said 'possible weight gain' on the side effects, I was hopefully I wouldn't want to get that one. Sods law, huh?! So, no more drugs controlling me. I am in control of what my body does. I need my control back.

I need that feeling back.

Here it goes..